Just a Waitress

I’ve been struggling a bit lately. In some areas of my life I feel as if I am growing and thriving. I am courageous. I am fearless. I am the Queen of my domain. And then there are all the OTHER areas of my life. I feel weak and stagnant. I am unproductive. I am lazy. I am a failure. I know that this is a universal feeling that all humans have. No matter how much success you have…career, family, physical appearance, status. But, it has caused some turmoil within my spirit as of late. Granted, this past week I had Covid and I was stuck at home for eight days…with myself. No work. No friends. No interaction of any kind. To quote Ferris Bueller…”sooner or later everyone goes to the zoo”. And, oh boy…I went to the zoo. It was fun and bizarre and tragic and disturbing.

It’s really hard to not draw comparisons with other peoples’ lives. I see my friends from life moving, starting new careers, starting families, buying homes, traveling to exotic lands and I look at my life and wonder what, in the actual fuck, am I doing? I’ve been in the same job for twelve years, I live in the same one-bedroom apartment, I have one cat (she’s the best part of my day), I have, effectively, stopped pursuing an acting career. So, who am I? What is my contribution to this world? Am I enough? What legacy will I leave behind after I have shuffled off this mortal coil?

This isn’t the first time I have pondered this. I once asked a friend what he valued the most, as a character trait, in the people he respected and admired. His answer was that he valued, intelligence. Being someone who wants to be considered an intelligent person, I agreed with this. But, my attitude has changed. These are my thoughts:

Intelligence is a gift. Not unlike an innate gift for music, dance, painting…intelligence is a gift. The ability to ingest information, process it, understand it and then expound upon it…is a gift. I am reminded of Good Will Hunting when Will is explaining how he can just “play” when it comes to complex mathematics. He had a gift. So, with that being the case…how much value can I place on that? Does that gift make someone a more valuable person? Well, no. We all have intrinsic value…no matter what gifts are bestowed upon us. But, I went back to the question of what character trait I admire and respect. The answer is simple, and yet incredibly complex, in that so many people choose, what I believe is the opposite: Kindness.

Think about it…kindness is a choice that anyone can make. No matter how successful you are or what your other gifts may be…you can always choose to be kind…or not.

I am a waitress. My job is hospitality and ingrained in that, there is kindness. The irony is that I serve a multitude of people who are incredibly unkind. When my job is to, literally, cater to your needs and give you everything you want…and you still treat me with disdain…I wonder why. Why are you choosing to be unkind? How does that make you feel more powerful or more valuable in this world? I really don’t understand it. I mean…I do on a psychological perspective…but, it won’t ever connect with me because I can’t imagine ever treating anyone with cruelty.

So, my answer to my own question about what I am leaving behind is: A Legacy of Kindness. I’m living in the micro. How can I affect people in a positive way within the smallest of interactions? I choose to see other people in the way that I want to be seen. As a human who is doing her best to navigate through a tough world. How can I be a person who brings a light into someone else’s life?

It’s the “little” things. Today at the grocery store (which is the most deplorable chore in the world), I overheard a man on the phone saying that he couldn’t find the bread for which he was looking. He walked away and as I was looking for my particular brand of bread, I found the bread he wanted. I grabbed it and brought it to him. At the checkout there was a woman behind me who had only a few items and I let her go ahead of me. These are a couple of instances where I “chose” kindness. It might not have had any effect on them…I hope that it did…but, it did have an effect on me. It made me want to be more kind to more people. Our choices are always what we have control over…one of the few things.

So, I resolve to choose kindness.

Let it be said that she was kind and left a legacy of kindness.